A Little Closer to Heaven

A week or so before thanksgiving my mom called to tell me my grandma had stage 4 cancer. My "healthy" 76 year old Nana, who I had just called to wish a late happy birthday the week before. I felt sad for the pain she would experience and helpless being so far away. In our Ladies Sunday school class a few days later I asked for prayers for her and my family and my emotional self broke into tears(one of the many reasons I don't normally say much). After class came to a finish our preacher's wife said she wanted to bless me by passing around an envelope to take up some money. I had told them I was trying to get a ticket home soon, but didn't mention the financial stress of a unplanned ticket to Tennessee from Hawaii. After class a couple other people and our elders came to me and offered to pay my plane ticket. Even typing this now brings back the overwhelming feeling of love I felt that day. Love for the church, love for God's perfect design of church family, and love for the ladies who felt my pain and took action. Acts 2:45 & 4:32-34 talks about the church selling their possessions to help other believers who had needs. What a beautiful picture of Christ's plan for the church.

So I was headed to Tennessee 2 days later afraid of the pain I would feel and sad to leave my husband and regular life behind. Sometimes being a hearer only of the word and not a doer feels so much easier. God's will is most often times far away from my will. His will stretches me, it makes me uncomfortable, and ultimately it makes me need Him. But time and time again he has proven to me being a doer of his word(especially when it is not what I want) is more rewarding.

The next 2 1/2 months were some of the best and most challenging months. The first couple of weeks my mom, grandad, and I took turns spending the night at the hospital with Nana as she went through radiation and Chemo. The nights were long, but I enjoyed my alone time with Her. One night when it was my turn to stay she told me she was fine I should go home and sleep and I told her no way I was
excited for our slumber party and she quickly replied, "you do the partying and I will take care of the slumber." I have always loved her sarcastic humor. Though this time was hard it didn't compare to what we soon would face.

The hospital sent us home and said to return in 3 weeks for another round of chemo. We were terrified...how could we care for her at home without the help of nurses and all the machines? The hospital staff helped us to transport her to the car and I quickly realized the challenge we would face to get her unloaded and into bed when we returned home. We did not realize how weak her body had become until we began careing for her on our own. For about 6 weeks we struggled to know how to best care for her. We had home health coming in once a week or so, but no one to answer our daily questions. I experienced deeper time with God than I believe I ever have before. Psalm 34:18 " The

Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit." I now believe this verse to be true.

 I have always believed that I trust in God, but this situation really tested my faith. Am I truly content with God? Can I say as Paul did in 1 Timothy 6:6-8 if I have food and clothing with this I will be content? I felt isolated from people and life through out this time, but I never felt alone. I wanted my husband to see what I was seeing, so he could feel how I was feeling. But God never left my side. God knew how I felt and saw what I saw. God is enough for me! I am so weak, but God is so Strong.

We brought nana to the cancer clinic twice while we were home. Both experiences were terribly hard
as I watched her struggle to find the strength to just sit up in the car. On our last visit she was
supposed to recieve chemo, but when the doctor saw how bad she was she sent us home and called hospice to come immediately. The last 2 weeks of nana's life we had hospice coming 2 to 3 days a week and we could call with questions 24 hours a day. It was such a breath of fresh air. I will forever
sing their praises.  They did more than just keep nana comfortable and prepare us for what to expect in her final days. They sat with us and listened to us and cried with us.

Those 2 weeks were long as none of us slept thinking at any moment she would breath her last breath. Nana peacefully went to be with Jesus early Wednsday morning January 28th. A few days after the funeral I was able to return home to my husband. He took some vacation time and we enjoyed being back together again. Early last week our close friends from church lost their grandad/husband/father. We were at the hospital the night before and I could not believe how God had prepared me for this. I had just experienced this loss and death process. I had felt what they felt. Ecclesiastes 8:6-8 "For there is a time and a way for everything, although man's trouble lies heavy on him. For he does not know what is to be, for who can tell him how it will be? No man has power to retain the spirit, or power over the day of death..." God's timing and plans are the best.

So I am writing this entry to help organize my thoughts from the past months, but also to encourage
 whoever reads this. Being around death has given me a new fire for life and yes I know that is really qliche. It has given me a new excitement for God's word. He has strengthened my faith and shown me his Love. One verse that gave me great strength through this process was Romans 8:18-19 "For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God." I am eagerly awaiting heaven...no tears, no pain, no death. If you are going through something hard know God is enough and whatever it is it doesn't compare to what God has planned for those who love him.